The next day, Dad had to go to work, Nico had to go to rugby, and I had to go shopping with Mum and Lis, and then Mum, Dad and me were going home.
I was glad when the shopping was over, and we could go back to Lis and Nico’s and have some pizza before we got in the car. Looking out for Dec had made me tired, and I hadn’t seen him anywhere. Mum had bought me a big fire engine that had blue flashing lights and real siren noises, and the ladder and the hose really worked, and I was looking forward to getting home so I could show Uncle Matty and play with it properly.
I stood smiling at the view from the window, soaking it all up. This place, this beautiful place, felt more like my home than anywhere. And I still belonged. I hadn’t really appreciated how much I had missed being a proper part of it, or how much I had been dreading being separated from it.
I was now full of energy and hopped from foot to foot. Remembered some of what Don had said about eating and drinking – there was a vending machine in the corridor so I bought a sports drink and a grain bar. Tried not to drop crumbs on the swanky chairs.
My phone buzzed in my pocket; it had been on silent.
Nico: =We are called in for special meeting before the game. Any news?
Me: =Don’t know abt meeting, but I’m staying. NOT SACKED!
Nico: =Great news 🙂
I needed to phone Rose. She would be worrying all day if I didn’t let her know. I was just scrolling through my contacts when there was a knock at the door. Stuart came in, smiled. I hurriedly put my phone back in my pocket.
^How are you feeling now?
‘Much better. Sorry, I was a bit out of it earlier.’
^We could see that. I’m sorry this has been such a stressful time for you. Hopefully things will get better for you now. Are you up to this meeting?
‘I’ll give it a go. Am I going to have to say much?’
^Adrian and Don are the ones to ask about that. You know where the media room is?
^OK, best get going.
‘Stuart, I can’t remember much of what I said before. Probably most of it didn’t make much sense. But thank you for this. I can’t believe it.’
^You played a huge part in this decision. It wasn’t taken lightly. Lots of people had lots of opinions, but your actions spoke very well for you. Be proud of yourself. Go on, get to your meeting.
The meeting about the press conference mainly focussed on what information Don wanted to give out and what he wanted to avoid giving out. Don wanted it to be clear that although I was remaining at the club, I was still being sanctioned by way of suspension for the part I had played in Raiders being docked ten points.
-People need someone to blame, someone to be getting punished. Declan, you’re our fall guy. We need to highlight how unhappy we are with how you handled things, so people don’t complain about you getting off lightly. I want you to be contrite and apologetic.
Adrian nodded in agreement.
.They’ll try and get an emotional reaction out of you, they might have some personal information, or use something from the past they’ve dug up, so be prepared for some questions maybe about your car accident, or maybe about how you presented yourself to the press when they took that photo of you that got in the Herald.
Don didn’t want to discuss in detail the terms of my suspension, or how individual team members had reacted to the yesterday’s events. He wanted to highlight any positive consequences, like coaching the youth team and linking with Trojans, who were a Championship side in the next county. We discussed ways of deflecting unwanted questions and answering them with something we wanted to say. We went over and over the strategies. This was just as well, as I needed to focus. My mood had flipped from devastation to delight in a very short space of time, and everything felt scrambled. Adrian typed up a list for me, so I could review it while the game was on.
I was going to have to sit it out until after the match in an unused office. It was nowhere near as plush as the hospitality suite, and had no windows, but there was a TV where I could watch the game. It would be the first time I had watched any rugby for weeks – I hadn’t been able to face it on TV, and had not been allowed at the ground on match days. I hadn’t even been keeping up with scores and league positions until the last couple of days, when I needed to know how the points deductions were going to affect everything. Now I had been let back in, I was really excited to be a part of it all again.
Don wrapped up our meeting.
-OK, then, I’ve got the pre-match to attend to now. Declan, make yourself scarce. Change into your kit before the press conference. We’ll come and get you. It’ll be shortly after the game finishes. See you then.
I sat in the office for a long time waiting for the game to start. The catering staff had provided lunch, the same as the players were having together pre-match. Full of protein and energy. I was really hungry and ate it all. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d had much of an appetite. Couldn’t believe how much difference this morning had made to how I felt. I had been under this cloud for weeks and now it was suddenly lifted. I felt lighter, straighter, less substantial, as if I could float away.
There wasn’t much to do in the office, and I should have been bored to tears, but I still had a lot of information and emotion to process. While I tried to get my head around things, I turned the TV on, flicking through the channels, looking for the sports channel where the Raiders game was being shown. There was a rugby preview programme on, so I stopped to watch that for a bit. They mentioned today’s game, the points deduction and how it affected league positions. Yesterday, I wouldn’t have been able to watch it; today, I sat through it. Uncomfortable viewing but bearable. I was amazed at the change in me.
I took my phone out – I needed to tell Rose. I had turned the ringer off by mistake when I put it back in my pocket and I had missed a couple of calls from her. Listened to the voice-mails:
:Alright love, it’s only Rose. Just seeing if there’s any news yet. Don’t worry about ringing back, unless you want to.
:Alright love, it’s only Rose. Just checking up on you. I’ve got to go to work this afternoon, but I’ll call you again when I get home. I’ll be out later, have my phone off I expect. Hope everything’s alright, love.
No point calling her now, she’d be at work. I’d do it later.
The afternoon’s build up to the game passed slowly. I imagined the gradually increasing crowd – people who liked to get there early, have a few beers, chat with their mates, get their favourite spot on the terraces, people who maybe had seated tickets who didn’t need to get there so early, all the kids getting excited, Raiders shirts, Raiders hats, Raiders flags, noise, activity, excitement.
Being stuck down here was weird; I could sense the atmosphere that would be mounting beyond the room I was in. The team would already be there, having a final team talk and any last minute physio or other treatment. They would be able to hear the crowd from the changing rooms, gradually getting louder until just before kick-off when it would reach a crescendo and the stadium announcer would whip them all up with a cheering contest. They were the best supporters, made a lot of noise, followed the team around all over the country and all over Europe. I had really let them down. It was time I repaid them however I could.
Finally it was kick-off time. I had sat through almost an hour of speculation pre-match on the sports channel, realising how little the pundits actually knew, and how much they could spin out the smallest piece of incorrect information. According to them, I was born in Australia, moved to England to join Raiders and had played for Australia under sixteens. They also said the discrepancy in my passport had been found in a routine check. They’d either got their facts completely wrong, or made it up, or it was misinformation given out by Raiders’ media office.
And then it was game time. I muted the sound on the TV for a few moments, and could hear the crowd beyond the room. It sent a tingle down my spine. They seemed to be getting behind the team even more following yesterday’s setback. I settled down to watch the team – my team.
Raiders won convincingly. Nico scored two tries. They played superbly – moves flowing, passes connecting, running, rucking, scrumming, tackling, everything was clicking. It was just the response Don would have wanted. Now the game was over, it was time for a few interviews with key players and the coaches, and then it would be the press conference.
My phone buzzed. A text
DivDav: =Good news 4 u mate. Fancy beer later?
Me: =Wld b gr8. r u @ club?
DivDav: =No but cld pick u up. Car park, 7? Usual spot.
DivDav liked to pretend he had a personal parking spot for his old Fiat. In reality it was the furthest reaches of the car park, where there was always a space.
Me: =OK, gr8.
I was more than a little touched. DivDav had given me a hard time when I was first suspended. But since paying him back the money I had borrowed, he had been more friendly. I hoped this might be another step towards healing my broken friendships.
I had just changed into my Raiders gear when a knock on the door signalled my call to the press conference. My heart beat faster as I made my way to the media room, which had been set up with microphones on a table in front of some chairs where the journalists were already sitting. More journalists than I had imagined; it was a bit intimidating.
Don led the way to the table and we both sat down behind the mics. Adrian stood, directing which journalists should ask a question. They started with the match, and Don answered the questions with his usual steady diplomacy, praising the team and the result and complimenting the opposition. They quickly moved on to the points deduction, and Don fielded all their questions with ease. He was very used to this. They addressed me a few times, asking about my suspension and how I felt about yesterday’s decision. I followed the strategy we had worked out, and seemed to get away with it. Don made a big deal out of me coaching the youth team and registering with Trojans. That seemed to go down well. There were some more testing questions.
“Has the club taken into account the death of a man in a car accident involving Mr Summers?
Don took that one.
-That is not a club matter, and has been dealt with through the proper channels.
“Declan have you any comment to make about this local newspaper report?
I was shown the back page headline from several weeks ago with my unflattering picture and description of my unkempt, drunken state.
‘I’m not proud of my actions then. It didn’t reflect well on me or Raiders, and I have given the club an assurance that it won’t happen again. The reputation of Raiders is very important to me, and I will do everything I can to ensure I don’t tarnish it again.’
“How do you feel about being responsible for Jay Scott leaving Raiders and quitting rugby?
This one threw me – I sat with my mouth open. Quitting rugby? I had not heard that version. Don took one look at my shocked expression and jumped in.
-Jay Scott’s decision to leave Raiders was a personal one, and not something Declan is qualified or permitted to discuss. I don’t know where you guys get your information from, but Jay has not ‘quit rugby’ to my knowledge.
“But he has left Raiders and not gone to a position with another club?
-That is something you would need to discuss with Jay.
A few more questions around changed priorities for the season, what might happen with my contract beyond the end of the season, all deflected. It seemed to be a big game to all of them.
And finally it was over.
-Well done, Declan. Thank you for that, I’m glad to see you’ve regained your powers of concentration. Why don’t you go and join the players in the bar?
-Your suspension only covers playing; everything else is back on. Go and enjoy it. Just remember what we’ve said here this afternoon.
Almost on a cloud, I walked to the main bar, where players met with supporters and sometimes opposing players after the game. I could not have imagined this outcome to the day while I was preparing for it this morning. It was difficult to even remember clearly how I had felt when I woke up that morning – it seemed like a different life, or a long time ago. I had been in a dark place, and now it seemed like I’d been given a light.
Despite my happiness, I was apprehensive about going into the bar; Nico and Big aside, I hadn’t socialised with anyone for a long time. There would be loads of people there, whose reactions I couldn’t predict, and it could be uncomfortable. I also hadn’t drunk any alcohol since my vodka bender. Might be better to give the beer a miss tonight, especially as Don hadn’t said it was OK.
I slipped through the door into the bar. I felt like there was a bright spotlight shining on me, but in reality I was just another bloke walking into a bar. No one noticed. I was immediately aware of the less than celebratory mood, despite the win, and had to adjust mine to compensate. No one was going to be cheering my news, and I needed to show everyone I knew what I had cost Raiders. I realised with renewed respect for his people management why Don had suggested I come here.
Nico’s greeting ensured everyone in the bar now knew I was there. Many eyes turned towards me. Nico strode over and shook my hand warmly.
>Great news that you stay with us.
In a quieter voice:
>You are OK? I am very worried about you last night.
‘I’m good. Great, actually. Yesterday seems a bit unreal. Actually, today seems a bit unreal.’
>You look better. We talk later, OK? Come, have a drink.
He led me over to the bar, where there was a group of players and supporters watching a replay of the afternoon’s game on a large TV screen. It appeared to be about half way through the second half. Nico didn’t make a big fuss, just handed me a bottle of water.
>For clear head, yes?
I nodded and leaned on the bar watching the screen. I was getting some sidelong glances which I tried to return with a smile.
The replay of the match over, the pundits returned to the theme of the points deduction and what it would mean for Raiders. More glances slid my way. I started to feel very uncomfortable, but didn’t know what to do; whether to say something now, or wait to be confronted.
I was saved by the press conference. They showed some of it on the programme, some clips of me being apologetic and contrite, and some bits of Don outlining how I was going to help Raiders out while I remained suspended. When the programme had finished, the man standing next to me, a supporter, turned to me and said:
*Fair play to you son, you’ve owned up to it and taken the punishment. Losing so many points is a bit of a bugger, but not much anyone can do about it now. Just have to get on with it. Best of luck.
He held out his hand, and I shook it gratefully. A few people seemed to relax at this. Not everyone was so generous. I noticed several people directing dark looks at me, although Big came over, gave my shoulder a squeeze.
°Great to have you back, Captain. Fancy going out later?
‘Oh mate, that would be great, but Dav is picking me up. Do you know where he is?’
I looked around, expecting to see Dav somewhere around.
°I expect he’s off drowning his sorrows somewhere.
°Yeah, he didn’t get his contract extended. Found out yesterday. And Amy dumped him last week. He’s being a bit of a dick about it. Still, maybe he’s feeling better. Get together later this week then?
We got in the car to go back, and then Dad remembered he had to go to his old work to pick something up, so we stopped off at Raiders Stadium. I’d been here lots of times to Dad’s work, where he had an office that smelt like sweaty people, but I had never seen a rugby game. I liked football, and although Dad and I watched rugby on TV sometimes, I didn’t understand the rules at all, and it just seemed silly to pick the ball up and run, rather than kicking it to each other.
My phone buzzed in my pocket. Glanced at the screen. Rose. Shit. I was going to have to ring her, she’d be worried out of her mind. Couldn’t do it here though. Looked at the time. Nearly seven. Time to go and meet DivDav. I’d ring Rose back when I got outside.
I walked out into the dark car park, looking for DivDav. I couldn’t see his car over the far side, but began to walk over that way as I got my phone out to call Rose.
Dreaming. Not flying. Playing. Running on the pitch, muscles stretching, catching, tackle after tackle, passing, scoring, happy.
Dad stopped the car in the car park, and I looked up at the bright lights, shining in rooms a few floors up, lighting up people who were sitting at tables and standing talking to each other.
‘Can I come with you Daddy?’
‘No, Cal, I won’t be a minute, I’m not stopping.
‘Stay here with me, Cal, we can have some of these Maltesers.’
Mum and I watched Dad walk towards the building.
Then afterwards with Jay, Beth and Cal. Laughing, talking, arguing, playing, happy. Jay is talking.
łWhat the fuck … hey, mate, you OK?
Must still be dreaming. Why is my bed so hard? Why does everything hurt so much? Why is Jay shouting?
łJesus. Shit. Jesus.
Then, just as I was about to remind Mum about the Maltesers, we saw Dad bend down and look back at us, waving frantically. Mum wound the window down; Dad was shouting.
‘Call an ambulance.’
Mum got out of the car, phone in hand, to try to see what Dad was looking at.
‘What is it, James?’
‘Dial 999. There’s a bloke here. He’s covered in blood. He’s in a bad way.’
I tried to get out of the car, being quite interested in lots of blood, but Mum stopped me, standing in front of the door so I couldn’t see. I heard her talking to her phone.
‘Ambulance … Raiders Stadium car park … my husband has just found a man covered in blood lying on the ground … I don’t know, I’ll ask.’
She shouted to Dad.
‘James, is he breathing?’
Not dreaming, then. Lots of pain. Loads of it, crashing around, banging into every bit of me. Vaguely remembered a lot of banging and crashing. Tried to stop remembering and carry on dreaming. Jay carried on shouting.
Dad shouted back.
‘Yeah, he’s breathing. Almost unconscious though. His eyes are fluttering and he’s mumbling.’
Mum told the person on the phone what Dad said, then Dad shouted back to her.
‘How long will they be? Jesus, there’s blood everywhere.’
Mum folded her phone up and called to Dad.
‘They said five minutes. I’m coming over, James, I can do something to help –’
Mum knew about putting plasters on and wiping cuts with TCP. She would be good with a man with blood on him, and I would be able to go with her and see it too.
‘No Beth, stay with Cal – he can’t see this.’
Beth and Cal were here? Tried to open my eyes. Wanted to see them. Hurt.
łStay still, mate, the ambulance is coming.
Drifted off somewhere quiet and soft.
Mum knew that if she went over to where Dad was, I’d follow her, so she was stuck at the car with me while Dad waited for the ambulance. We both looked out of the window at Dad as he knelt down, although we couldn’t see the man. Mum kept tutting and looking at her watch, and I watched the entrance into the car park to see the blue lights when the ambulance came. It came very quickly, and we watched as the ambulance people put the man on a stretcher and then into the back of the ambulance. I couldn’t really see the man, because it was dark, and he was wrapped up in a blanket, which was disappointing, but I hoped Dad would tell us all about it.
Some police cars had come too, and policemen were talking to Dad. I saw him running his hand through his hair a few times, and shaking his head, then looking up at the lit up rooms and nodding. Then, finally, he came back to the car so we could find out what had happened.
Mum got out of the car to meet Dad as he walked back to us.
‘We’ve got to stay, the police want to talk to me.’
‘But we can’t, we’ve got to get back for Matty.’
‘I know, I said that, but they want me to give a statement, as I was the only one who found him, and you’ve got to stay because you called the ambulance.’
‘Oh this is ridiculous. Who did you talk to?’
Dad pointed to one of the policemen, and Mum walked quickly over to him. Dad opened the back door of the car for me and I got out, and we stood and looked at Mum arguing with the policeman. Mum was good at arguing, and usually won, like in cafes when the cake was dry, or taking clothes back to shops, but she didn’t win against the policeman, although she seemed to be trying her very best. She walked slowly back to us, looking really cross.
‘No, I can’t believe it, they honestly didn’t care that your disabled mother is going to have to get your disabled brother in and out of bed, on and off the toilet, undressed, dressed in pyjamas and settled for the night. We’ve got to wait here.’
‘I’ll call the agency, see if they’ve got anyone short notice. You’re right, Mum can’t do it, but they might have someone. Come on, we can wait inside, they’ve taken over one of the corporate suites as an incident room.’
Dad got his phone out and started talking about Uncle Matty as we walked across the car park and into the Stadium. We went up some stairs, and then found ourselves in a room with a window overlooking the pitch, although I couldn’t see much because the floodlights weren’t on. There were two policemen, who were using computers, but they didn’t take much notice of us, even though Mum said who we were.
We sat on a sofa, and Dad went to get us drinks and crisps from the bar. He was gone a long time, and Mum looked at her watch a few more times. She got her phone out and talked to Granny, but didn’t say anything different from the things Dad had said to her when he told her about the person who was coming to put Uncle Matty to bed.
Dad came back after a while and gave me a can of Fanta, and Mum a glass of wine.
‘Sorry, I got held up in the bar, everyone wanted to talk to me, I was trying not to make a drama of it. Do we know when they’re going to talk to us here?’
‘No, I don’t know what’s taking so long.’
We waited for a long time; I’d finished my Fanta and the crisps that Dad had brought, and Mum was trying to play some games with me, but she wasn’t concentrating very well because of waiting for the policeman to talk to her.
Finally, one of the policeman looked up from his computer and came over to us.
‘Yes. This is my wife, Beth.’
‘Mrs Scott. Thank you for staying. We just want to ask a few questions, as you found the victim. I’m Detective Constable Simmonds.’
‘Are you going to take long? We need to get back home, and we’ve got a long drive.’
‘We’ll be as quick as we can, sir. Is your little boy alright here with us? Detective Peterson could look after him …’
‘No, you’ll be fine, won’t you sweetheart.’
I nodded, hardly able to believe I was going to be allowed to stay while the policeman talked to Mum and Dad.
‘Alright then. First, can we just check some of the details you gave us when you called us, Mrs Scott …’
There was a lot of talking about all the things I already knew, about how Dad found the man, and Mum called the ambulance, and why we were in the car park, and lots of things that weren’t very interesting. I started to feel sleepy, and snuggled in to Mum, who put her arm round me.
I was half asleep, not really listening to the grown up voices talking, but in that weird half-dreaming way, I seemed to suddenly be listening, as if part of me knew that I needed to be paying attention before I knew what was being said.
‘… long have you know the victim?’
‘What? I don’t know him.’
‘Oh, maybe I’ve misunderstood, sir. I thought you were a coach here?’
‘Was. I left a couple of months ago.’
‘But am I right in thinking Mr Summers has been here for several years?’
‘… er … what?’
‘My apologies, I thought you had been made aware, the victim is Mr Declan Summers. I believe he is a Raiders player.’
There was a long silence. I sat up and looked at Dad, who was looking at the policeman, with his mouth open. I wasn’t quite sure, but I thought the policeman was saying that Dec was the person who Dad had found on the ground in the car park. But surely Dad would have known it was Dec? He was only not talking to him, he wasn’t not seeing him.
‘Mummy, is Dec –’
‘Shh Cal. James – was that Dec? Could it have been?’
‘Shit. I don’t know, he was, his face was – bloody hell Beth, no one could have recognised him.’
Dad turned to the policeman.
‘Are you for real? That bloke, the one with his face mashed in, was Declan Summers?’
‘I’m sorry sir, but yes. Can you tell me how long you’ve known him?’
Mum and Dad sat very still. Mum’s arm was round me, but I saw her other hand holding Dad’s hand tightly. They didn’t say anything for a few seconds, then Mum kind of shook herself.
‘Just over three years. But we haven’t really seen him, not properly, for a few months.’
‘Do you know … have you heard … how is he?’
‘We haven’t got any news from the hospital. You’re not family? Because someone suggested there was a family connection.’
Mum let out a deep sigh.
‘Dec lived with us, like part of our family. He doesn’t have anyone else. I suppose you could say we’re the only family he’s got. James, we need to go and see him.’
She looked at the policeman.
‘Will they let us see him?’
‘They usually say family only.’
‘He doesn’t have family, not blood relatives. His parents died when he was thirteen, he was in care before he came to us. He’s going to be there on his own.’
‘You make a good case, Mrs Scott, but you’re better off talking to the hospital. I think we’re finished here, you can go now, see if they’ll let you in.’
‘Is he … how bad is he?’
‘I’m really, sorry, I don’t know. I’d suggest going to the hospital to see what you can find out.’
‘Yeah, come on Beth. You must know someone up there who can smuggle us in.’
Mum looked at Dad, and gave him half a smile, but also looked like she was going to cry.
‘Really? You don’t mind going?’
‘That bloody boy is going to be the death of me, but no, I think we both need to be there, don’t we?’
‘I can call Lis, see if Cal can go back there –’
‘I want to see Dec.’
A long look passed between Mum and Dad.
‘Sweetheart, Dec has been badly hurt. We don’t know how he is, yet. I don’t know if you can see him.’
‘I want to. I don’t mind his blood. I’ve seen Dec’s blood before, when he chopped his thumb.’
‘This is a bit different, mate.’
‘But I want to see him.’
‘Maybe it would be easier for now if he just comes with us, James. I’ll find out what’s what and we can take it from there.’
And so I was allowed to go with them to the hospital. I had to wait for a long time with Dad while Mum talked to people about how Dec was and whether we could see him. I wasn’t sure how to feel, because it sounded like Dec was more hurt than just needing a plaster, and I couldn’t imagine what that really meant. But I just felt that now, all of a sudden, the thing that had been there that had made Dad get that cross, tight look on his face had gone – in fact it had been gone since this morning, and I wanted to see Dec and talk to him. And I was a bit fascinated with the promise of all the blood as well.
After sitting on plastic chairs for ages and ages, Mum came back and sat next to Dad. I thought if I looked sleepy and leaned against Dad, they would be more likely to say things than if I looked interested, so that’s what I did, and that’s what happened.
Dad let out a huge breath, as if it had been possible that Dec hadn’t been alive.
‘Jesus. How bad is it, then?’
‘Bad enough. Multiple fractures, he’s having a CT scan to check his brain.’
I suspected a look came my way, but I’d closed my eyes, so I could hear better.
‘Can we see him?’
‘After his scan. They’re admitting him, but he’ll be sedated, he’ll be out of it for several hours. They don’t expect him to wake up until tomorrow.’
‘I want to stay.’
‘I know. I had a look to see who’s on the ward he’s going to, and I know the Nurse in Charge. I’m pretty sure I can talk us in there, but maybe I should take Cal to Lis’s first.’
I opened my eyes quickly and sat up, because at this point being asleep would only get me carried out to the car.
‘I want to see Dec.’
They both looked quickly down at me, as if they’d forgotten I was there for a moment. Dad shrugged at Mum, and I held my breath, hoping they wouldn’t say no.
‘If one of us takes him back to Nico’s, and Dec wakes up, we’ll be sorry we missed it.’
‘I know, but I’m not sure Cal should be seeing … whatever he might see.’
‘I shouldn’t think it’ll be any worse than imagining it. I know I’m imagining some pretty horrific things, and I saw him at the time. He’ll have been cleaned up, won’t he?’
‘Yes, but still … oh I suppose you’re right. OK, Cal, you can stay with us for a little while, but you have to promise to be quiet and still, and when we say it’s time to go, no arguing. Otherwise I’ll take you straight back to Lis and she’ll put you to bed.’
I started practising being quiet and still right away, so they could see how good I was at it, and didn’t feel the need to take me back to Nico’s house. Another benefit of this was they forgot to talk quietly, and I found out more things, like that Dec had been hit by someone, with a bottle, and he had got glass in his cuts, and then he had fallen on the ground, and someone had kicked him. It hurts when someone kicks you, because Jake and me kicked each other once at break-time, just to see, and we both got bruises. I wondered if Dec would have bruises on his shins, like me and Jake.
After a while, Mum decided that we might be more comfortable waiting in the family room, near where Dec was going to be taken, so we went up some stairs, then Mum talked to a nurse, who showed us to a small room with some chairs and a table in it. There were toys in the corner, so I played with them while Mum and Dad sat together, not saying much, although Dad talked on his phone to Nico and some other people.
A little while later, a nurse came to get us, and said that Dec was in a bed, and that we could sit with him if we wanted to. Mum stood up and said she would go and have a look, and decide if I could go too. I went and sat next to Dad, who put his arm round me.
‘I want to see Dec, Daddy.’
‘I know, mate. But he might be a bit too gruesome just now, maybe a bit too poorly. Mummy will know if it’s OK.’
‘Will he be scary like in Monsters Inc?’
‘Ha, could be even worse, Cal. We don’t know yet. He wasn’t too pretty when I found him.’
‘But Dec isn’t pretty, he’s a boy.’
‘Yeah I know, mate. There are a few girls who might disagree with you as far as Dec’s concerned, but I know what you mean. I meant that … Cal, Dec’s not just had an accident, he’s … he’s been hit, by a bad man who wanted to hurt him, and did a good job of it.’
‘What bad man?’
‘We don’t know. The police are trying to find out.’
‘Is it because Dec did stealing and lying?’
‘Er … Jesus, Cal. I don’t know. We’ll have to wait and see what Dec remembers if … er … when he wakes up.’
‘Can I tell him about my fire engine?’
‘Yeah, course you can, mate, tell him anything you like. But he’ll be asleep, he might not remember what you tell him.’
I was quiet for a while, trying to remember all the things I’d wanted to tell Dec but couldn’t before, like my new school, my rabbit and the gap where my tooth came out. Then Mum came back and stood in the doorway. Dad looked up.
‘He’s asleep, or unconscious, he’s had a load of meds to knock him out. He’s due some more in an hour or so, there’s a small chance he might wake up then.’
‘Really? That’s great. What’s the … er … damage?’
Dad waved his hand around his face.
‘Oh James, his face is one huge bruise, and he’s got stitches all over the place, one lot is really close to his eye. If I didn’t know it was Dec, I wouldn’t have recognised him.’
Mum looked like she might cry, and Dad stood up and cuddled her.
‘Hey, hey, shh, it’s OK, we’re here now. What about Cal? He’s really keen to see him. I’ve told him Dec’s been hit by a bad man. He asked if he looks like something out of Monsters Inc.’
Mum looked over at me and smiled.
‘Well, he’s a little bit like a monster, sweetheart, but not as bad as Henry J. Waternoose.’
Dad looked confused; he never paid attention to people’s names in films.
‘So, are we all going then?’
‘Yeah, I think so. Cal, remember, quiet and still. Dec’s not the only poorly person here. And we’re not going to stay long.’
‘I’m staying until I know he’s OK.’
‘Alright, James, but me and Cal will have to go home and get some sleep soon.’
‘Let’s see how it goes.’
Mum held her hand out to me, and I jumped off the chair and over to her. We walked along a corridor, and then through a door, where there were lots of curtains in the middle of the room, like there had been in the hospital where Uncle Matty was.
‘Jesus, if I never see the inside of one of these places again it’ll be too bloody soon.’
Mum led us over to one of the curtains and pulled it aside. There was a bed and two chairs and a table with a jug of water on it. In the bed was a man. Well, in the bed was Dec, but he didn’t look like Dec, at least not at first, or even second, glance. I had to go up really close to him to find anything that let me know he really was Dec.
He was lying very still, on his back, and he had a big cast on one of his arms from his shoulder to his fingers. I knew it was a cast because Sophie Evans had one last year when she fell out of the tree, but it wasn’t as big as this cast. His other arm had bandages on it. There was also a big thing on his nose that covered a lot of his face. The rest of him, or what I could see, was coloured black and purple, and was either swollen or had lines of what looked like tiny railway track along it. I wanted to ask what it was, but I had to be quiet and still, so I just looked. His eyes were puffed shut, and his mouth looked too big for his face.
He still didn’t look like Dec, and I wondered how they knew it was, so I turned and looked at Mum and Dad to see how they knew, but Dad was staring with a kind of surprised and scared look on his face, and Mum looked like she was trying not to cry again, and I knew that it was Dec, because they knew it was.
Mum and Dad sat in the chairs, and I sat on Mum’s lap and looked at Dec, in awe of all the bruises and swelling. I had expected there to be lots of blood, but there wasn’t any, which was a bit disappointing, although there were lots of other things to see – too many things, in fact, and eventually I couldn’t stay quiet any longer; I had to ask something.
‘What are those?’
I pointed at the train tracks.
‘They’re stitches, sweetheart.’
‘What are they for?’
‘Well, when people have bad cuts, sometimes it tears their skin apart, and the doctors have to sew it back together.’
‘Dec’s been sewed?’
‘With a needle?’
‘Yes. And special cotton.’
‘Will he have holes in his face forever?’
‘No, his skin will grow back together, the stitches just hold everything in place while it’s growing. Are you OK, sweetheart, looking at Dec?’
I nodded. I still couldn’t quite see Dec in the battered features of the man on the bed, but I didn’t feel sad or scared or any of the things Mum seemed to think I was going to feel.
There were lots of things to look at, all over the place; on the way in, I had seen other people’s beds with cards all round them, and some people with TVs. Dec didn’t have a TV, or any cards, although he did have a tall pole with a bag of water on it that seemed to go into his arm. I supposed that if he was asleep, he couldn’t drink water, but it would have made more sense for the water to go into his mouth rather than his arm. Then I remembered Uncle Matty having a bag like this when he was first in hospital, before he woke up, and Mum telling me it was a way to give people food and medicine if they were too asleep to eat or take tablets.
After the initial thrill, it got a bit boring sitting and watching Dec sleep, and I wanted to do something. I thought about the cards I’d seen round the other people’s beds.
‘Mummy can I make Dec a card to say get well?’
‘Of course, sweetheart. As soon as we get home, we’ll find your pens and you can draw something great for Dec.’
‘No, I mean now. Then he can see it when he wakes up.’
‘Oh Cal, there isn’t any paper here or anything. It’s a lovely idea though.’
‘I bet there’s a shop downstairs, Beth. They’re bound to sell cards. Fancy a little walk?’
‘Not particularly, why, do you?’
‘Could use a coffee, or I’ll fall asleep if I’m not careful.’
‘And your legs have dropped off, have they?’
‘No, I just thought –’
‘Yeah, the same as you always think. Oh alright. I’ll go and see what they’ve got. Would you like something to drink, Cal?’
‘Yes please Mummy.’
Mum was gone for a long time, and Dad closed his eyes and then fell asleep in the chair. I wasn’t tired, not even a bit, and now Dad was asleep, I knew I was the one who had to watch out for Dec waking up. I stared hard at him, and watched for signs of movement.
Woke up somewhere noisy and full of pain. Couldn’t open my eyes. Hurt. Everything hurt. Groaned.
The little boy’s voice sounded just like Cal.
The little boy was more insistent.
\daddy! Wake up.
Just like Cal.
łWha … shit … sorry Cal, nodded off.
Head felt fuzzy, but that sounded like Jay. Must still be dreaming.
\dec went ‘nnn’ and he moved. Daddy, you sweared.
The scrape of a chair. A hand on my arm. Felt real. Real enough to bloody hurt.
łDec, it’s Jay.
What? How? Where? Too many thoughts. Tried a smile. Bad idea. Mouth too big. Lips stuck together. Pain. Groaned. Tried to open my eyes. Eyelids too big. Stuck together. Pain. Brief tiny glimpse of the ceiling. Shouldn’t I be worried about all this? Too much to think about, let it go. Groaned.
\you’ve got a big swelled up face. It’s all purple. It looks funny.
He was close to me, I could feel his breath on my cheek. I tried to turn towards him, to see if it really was Cal. No good. Groaned.
łCal! Come here. What did we say? You can stay if you’re quiet and still. Otherwise Mummy will take you back to Lis’s. Dec, can you hear me?
I could, but saying so was proving difficult. In the end, managed
It was them, I was sure. How were they here? How the glorious fuck were they here? I didn’t even know where here was.
łAh mate, you’re in hospital. How are you feeling? Sorry, bloody stupid question, considering the state of you. Do you know what happened?
Had no idea. Couldn’t get a single thought together, apart from ‘Jay and Cal are here’. The slightest shake of my head.
łYou’ve had a bit of a bashing. We found you in the car park, blood and glass everywhere. The police want to talk to you – can you manage that?
Another small head shake. All this moving and thinking was exhausting.
łOK no problem. They can wait. Just take it easy for now.
\does it hurt?
\dec said mm. That’s yes. He heared me.
Wanted to keep him talking, but my mouth wouldn’t work properly.
He was delighted.
\he did it again!
łOK, Cal, that’s enough. When Mummy gets back you’re off to Lis’s.
\but I want to stay. I want to tell Dec –
_Cal. Sit down here – look I got you a slushie. It’s got a bendy straw.
Beth was here too. They were all here. Couldn’t smile, mouth wouldn’t work, but felt a huge smile spreading somewhere inside me.
łHe’s awake. Not very talkative. No change there.
_Oh, Dec, sweetheart …
Felt a hand on my cheek. Tried not to wince. Tried not to groan. Tried not to cry. Failed. Started to drift in and out. Things put in my mouth. Things wiped on my face. Things poked here and there. People said my name, lots of people.
_Dec, I’m going to go now, Cal needs …
>Declan … mierda, Jaime, he look horrible …
łDec, the nurse is just …
-Declan? No, looks like he’s still out …
łDec, sorry, need to go, I’ll be back …
When I woke up it was dark, and I could hear Mum talking. Jay and Beth must have come back while I was asleep; it was only a matter of time before Jay came in and the humiliations could start again. I was going to ask him if I could have Sally instead, at least in the mornings. It would be a relief to both of us.
Sure enough, the door opened and light from the hall crept into the room along with – oh – Mum. She put the lamp on by the bed and sat in the chair, looking serious.
‘Matthew, that was Jameson on the phone.’
On the phone? Where was he then? Oh fuck, they hadn’t been in an accident had they? A sudden unwanted image of twisted metal and spatters of blood forced its way into my head, because ever since I got a cold and nearly died, I had a tendency to over-dramatise.
‘They’re going to have to stay down in Devon overnight. There’s been a … well, that boy Declan’s got himself put in hospital, some sort of fight, he’s in a bad way, and Jameson says he needs to stay there until he wakes up. He’s arranged another carer for tonight, and said he’ll be here in plenty of time for you tomorrow.’
Sorry as I was to hear Dec had been in some kind of bust-up where he’d come off worst, I was massively relieved that nothing had happened to Jay, Beth or Cal, and smiled to myself at the thought of Sally coming back later.
Mum seemed to breathe her own sigh of relief, happy I wasn’t kicking up a stink, as was my wont now I was feeling brighter and getting more bolshy about things.
‘Thoht he wahn’t tahking tuh Dec.’
‘So did I. It seems this altercation, whatever it was, has made him think again.’
Mum didn’t seem so sure.
‘How are you, dear?’
Troubled teenagers or not, I had still had the remains of my life torn apart by Carrie.
‘I’m sorry to hear that. You were asleep when I made dinner. Are you hungry at all?’
‘You didn’t eat lunch.’
‘So you should try to eat something.’
‘Wha fuh? Soh I dohnt geh ill? Toh laht.’
‘Matthew, don’t, please.’
I tried to spare her this, I really did, the times when it just all seemed too much and I felt like it wasn’t worth it any more, but sometimes she just went on too much, they all did, telling me what I should do for the good of my health, fussing over me. None of it mattered, none of it, in the end, if someone you love can rip your heart out and give it to the bastard you hate, then go and take everything you own while you’re dying across the other side of town.
‘Lehv meh alohn, Muhm.’
‘Don’t you want –’
‘Matthew, if you –’
‘Pihs ohf Muhm.’
I never swore at Mum. I swore near her a lot, but never at her. It had the desired effect, as she got up without another word and walked to the door. Then she turned in the doorway.
‘Apparently the agency chap will be here at nine thirty.’
‘Yes, Jameson thought you’d be more comfortable with a man, so he’s booked this chap Ian tonight.’
I sulked my way through efficient Ian’s clammy hands and non-existent banter. He tried talking about the weather, the traffic and the plans for the new leisure centre, but as all of these things were happening outside of my life and were being talked about by him, I had no interest. His fascinating topics of conversation dried up in the face of my lack of replying and he just got on with his job, only checking with me occasionally about which pyjamas I wore and where I wanted my drink left. I just about deigned to answer him, then closed my eyes as soon as he put me back into bed. He could assume I was asleep if he wanted to. I soon drifted off anyway, and didn’t hear him leave.
Dec didn’t say any more, even ‘nnn’, and nurses started coming over and we kept having to go back to the family room while the nurses did things. Mum showed me two cards she’d bought, one with a dinosaur on it, and one with a flower on it. Of course I chose the dinosaur, and wrote in it with my best writing. She’d also bought a Mars Bar, which I ate, and some flowers for Dec, although I thought he’d probably rather have the Mars Bar. But I wasn’t going to say so. After two times of going backwards and forwards between Dec’s bed and the family room, Mum decided she was going to take me back to go to sleep while Dad stayed.
‘I think he’s going to be OK, James, at least, you know, in general. You don’t need to stay.’
‘I’m staying until I know for sure.’
‘I can’t leave him like this.’
‘It’s OK. I know. Come back for a bit of sleep, though?’
Mum went and told Dec we were going, even though he was asleep and couldn’t hear her, then we went back to Nico’s. I don’t remember anything until the next morning, so I suppose I must have fallen asleep in the car, and Mum must have carried me out and put me to bed.
I woke up in my room in Nico’s house, when Mum came in.
‘Wake up, sleepyhead.’
I remembered why I was there, and not at home in my dinosaur room.
‘Are we going to see Dec again?’
‘We’re just going to pop in, and then we’re going home. Hurry up and get dressed, sweetheart.’
I hurried up and got dressed, eager to see if Dec’s face still looked purple and big, but Dad still wasn’t ready when Mum had finished clearing my breakfast things away. Nico and Lis were still in bed too, and I expected Dad to be in trouble for dawdling like he usually was, but when he came into the kitchen, yawning, Mum just smiled at him and gave him a cup of coffee.
‘Thanks, Beth, you’re a lifesaver.’
‘There’s plenty more where that came from. You’re going to need it if you’re going to insist on driving back on two hours’ sleep.’
‘Less than two, I don’t think I shut my eyes for more than five minutes.’
‘Oh James. Why don’t you go back to bed? Cal and I can check on Dec and pick you up in a bit.’
‘No, I want to see him.’
‘But you know he’s going to be OK.’
‘Yeah, I know what they told me last night, but it’s more than that. If he’s awake at all, I … I just want to see how he is. Not how he is like his bangs and scrapes; how he is with us.’
Mum tutted and rolled her eyes.
‘Only a rugby player would call that face bangs and scrapes, but I know what you mean. Things have changed quite a bit since Friday, haven’t they.’
I listened to all this without understanding much of it. I thought, maybe, from how they were talking about Dec, that they might have stopped being cross about him stealing and lying. But you could never tell with grown-ups; sometimes they seemed one way, and just changed their minds. So I thought I’d wait, rather than asking right away, because I didn’t want to do anything to stop them taking me to see Dec.