Dec
Noises, voices, pain, blurred, sleep, jumbled dreams. Dreamt Jay and Beth and Cal had been here.
Woke up suddenly. Sound of running water. Couldn’t open my eyes. Back hurt. Head hurt. Arms hurt. Legs hurt. Shifted position to continue inventory. Agony. May have screamed, or it may have been in my head. This was the worst fucking hangover I’d ever had. I thought I wasn’t supposed to drink? Why had I been drinking? Don was going to be so pissed off. I tried to open my eyes and look at where the sound of water was coming from, but my head started pounding and I groaned.
¬Oh hello. You’re back with us then. Just in time. I’m going to bathe your eyelids. Get some of this crusty stuff off. Might help you open your eyes. Lovely sunny day out there, shame for you to miss it.
Tried speaking, to whoever it was. She sounded friendly enough.
‘Phlwuthchst.’
Shit, what the fuck was wrong with my mouth? I could hardly speak, and when I tried, it hurt like a bitch.
¬I think you’ll need me to bathe your mouth too. Then you can tell us what you really think.
Whoever this was had the right idea. I needed to start talking, so I could ask some questions. If only I could think what the questions should be. Felt something warm and wet dabbing at my eyes. Stung like crazy. Whoa, this was the weirdest hangover ever. Winced. That hurt even more. What the fuck was happening to me? I tried to move my head away, felt a hand on my cheek, steadying me.
¬Sorry m’dear, won’t take long. Keep still.
Did as I was told, hoping things would become clearer in time. Images from before began to flutter into my head. Sounds, voices – Cal. Jay. Had I dreamed it? Or had Jay, Beth and Cal really all been here, with me?
‘Cckchll’
¬Wait a bit, m’dear, not quite there yet.
‘Vthhh’
¬I see we’re going to have some trouble with you. Bit of patience please.
‘Zshhay’
¬I know, I know, I’m going as fast as I can. OK, that’s your eyes done, have a bit of a go opening them. Slowly, it might hurt.
Again, did as I was told. Through a small opening, beyond the blur of my eyelashes, I saw a blonde woman peering into my face. She was wearing a white tunic. She was pretty. Her name was Michelle, and she was a nurse. It said so on her name badge. Jay’s voice drifted across my memory …
łAh mate, you’re in hospital.
Tried to remember more, but everything was jumbled up and confused. I was in hospital? Bit more than a hanger, then? Tried to remember what I’d been doing to end up here, but it was a blank. Wait, I saw Don yesterday, he told me I’ve still got my job – started to smile at that, but it hurt so much I stopped moving my mouth. The nurse was still looking at me.
¬Hello! Very good m’dear. Your eyes are still very swollen, so it’ll be a while before you can open them the whole way. But not bad for a first try. It should get a bit easier now we’ve got all the gunk off.
She smiled and turned back to a bowl on a trolley.
¬OK then, mouth next.
She dipped some cotton wool into water in the bowl and dabbed it across my lips. She was gentle, but it still stung a lot. What had happened to my mouth? And my eyes? Why did I need a nurse? I was still fuzzy, couldn’t work it out, I tried to think about it, but the stinging from whatever was on the cotton wool was too distracting. Some of the liquid dribbled between my lips. It tasted vile and it stung to buggery. The cotton wool came away red. The nurse discarded it and got another bit.
¬Alright there?
Couldn’t speak, so nodded as much as I could, which wasn’t much.
¬Goodo, let’s keep going then. Nearly finished.
Three more bits of cotton wool later, and she was done.
¬OK, that’s that. Have a bit of a move of your lips if you can, see how it feels. Couldn’t do it before we got rid of the crusty stuff, in case it split again.
Did as I was told. I was getting good at it. Tongue felt huge and furry. Lips very painful, bruised, split and swollen. It all felt very disconnected from my face.
¬Like a drink?
Fuck, yes! I was parched. A drink suddenly seemed like the best idea anyone had ever had.
‘Mm.’
¬Ok, then, let’s sit you up.
She pressed some button somewhere that made the bed sit up underneath me.
¬Start with water. Here you are.
She held out a plastic tumbler, with a straw in it.
¬Small sips, please.
Even though it hurt to suck, it was the most delicious drink ever. Felt it running across my swollen tongue and down my throat. Sipped and sipped until the glass was empty. She took it away from my mouth.
¬Try now – would you like to say a few words?
From between my filmy eyelids I saw her hold an invisible microphone up to my mouth. All my questions fought briefly for dominance, but it seemed I needed above all to know if what I remembered from last night was real. Had they all really been here or was it some kind of dream torture? Nothing was clear in my head, it was all scrambled. How the fuck was I going to ask?
‘Hee …’
Stopped in frustration. My mouth wasn’t making the right shapes to say the word.
¬No rush, take your time.
‘Hhshay.’
Bloody hell this was difficult.
‘Ghshay.’
Shook my head. Tried again.
‘Gshay.’
Better.
‘Shay.’
Best I was going to do.
‘Shay. Mm. Shay.’
After all that, she looked puzzled.
¬Alright, might take a bit of guess work, I’ll give it a go. Want me to say something? No. Ask me about something?
‘Mm.’
¬OK. Where am I, what am I doing here, isn’t that what they do in the films?
No response from me. I did want to know what I was doing here, but there was something more important I needed to know.
¬Sorry, flippant. OK, have another go.
It was worse than frustrating. Tried another tack.
‘Vsstrrs’
¬Ooh, visitors?
At last.
‘Mm.’
¬Well I’m glad we sorted that one out. You’ve had quite a few visitors since you came in yesterday. Want to know about that?
Sagged with relief. Now I was getting somewhere.
‘Mm.’
¬OK, let’s see, I wasn’t on when you were admitted, but when I got here you had a family with you.
That was it. Surely it must be them? Hope and caution battled in me. Don’t get carried away, it can’t be possible.
‘Mm. Mm.’
¬Hey, we got there, that didn’t take long. The mum and little boy left earlier on, but the dad stayed until we moved you in here, a couple of hours ago. What else did you want to know?
Tried to say where are they, but only ended up blowing bad breath over the bedclothes.
¬Wondering when they’re coming back?
Or if. But when would be better.
‘Mm.’
¬I’ll see if I can find out. Might be something on your file. Depends if they talked to the charge nurse before they left. Won’t be a tick.
She walked briskly out of the room. Left to myself, I sank into the pillow. Looked up through the gap in my eyelids to the ceiling. Couldn’t face thinking about whether they had really been here, or what it might mean if they had.
Started to catalogue the pain, trying to work out what the fuck had happened to me. I hurt pretty much everywhere. Face felt giant, and there seemed to be something stuck to my nose. Scalp hurt. Back shrieked. Couldn’t move my right arm. Glanced down. Plaster from knuckles to shoulder, sleeve cut off. Left arm, blackened hand peeking out of long sleeved pyjama top, sore and swollen. Metal splint on little finger. Tube from a drip on a stand by the side of the bed disappeared up my left sleeve. Tried to bend at the elbow. Stopped trying pretty quickly. Looked down at feet, humps under the bedclothes. Terrified I wouldn’t be able to move them. Tried an experimental toe-wiggle. Pain shot up my shins as I saw movement under the blankets. Moaned in pain and relief.
Checklist of body parts taken, but really none the wiser as to how I got here in this state, I looked beyond the bed. I was in a room on my own, bed, two chairs, a bedside cupboard with a vase of flowers. A card with a stegosaurus on it that said Hope Your Recovery is Dinomite. It was the sort of thing Cal might have chosen, but I couldn’t reach it to see who it was from. Painting of a tree screwed to the wall. A small window looking onto the side of a building. A patch of blue sky. In the corridor outside the door, footsteps, voices.
¬…that’s great, he’s had a pair of hospital ones, but having his own will make him feel much better, more like himself. I think he was just asking about you actually. He’s in here.
I looked at the door through the rapidly expanding slit in my vision, heart beating fast with expectancy. Thought my heart might burst with relief and joy when Cal ran into the room, followed by Beth and then Jay. Tried a smile, no idea what shape my lips made.
Cal
Because we were in a rush, we went out without me having my juice, and I asked a few times on the way if I could have a drink. Maybe I asked a lot of times. So when we got to the hospital and passed the shop near the door, Mum went in and got some purple squash that we could fill up with Dec’s water, and she picked up some pyjamas on the way to the till to pay. I hoped they weren’t for Dec, because it wasn’t a very exciting present, and I told Mum that Dec might like a Mars bar instead, so he could share it with me, but Mum said no. So I thought of something else.
‘I think Dec would like a magazine, Mummy.’
‘Oh, really, Cal? Any magazine in particular?’
‘This dinosaur one has got a toy of the front.’
‘Yes, I can see. How about you give Dec the magazine, but keep the toy?’
I could hardly believe my luck. I hadn’t even had to be that sneaky. And Dec would like the magazine; he talked to me about dinosaurs all the time. If I was really lucky, he’d say I could keep the magazine as well.
We walked along the corridors and up the stairs; there were loads of interesting things to see, like a lady on a big bed with wheels who had a plastic mask over her face, some people wearing all green running and shouting ‘get out of the way’, and someone in a wheelchair with a big bag on a pole like Dec had, only it was being wheeled along by the side of the chair. I didn’t have time to ask about one thing before I saw the next – it was a lot more exciting than Uncle Matty’s hospital.
And then we got to the place where Dec had been last night, but Dad took us round the corner, saying that Dec had gone into his own room early this morning, just before Dad had come back to go to sleep. We saw a nurse come out of a room, and Dad stopped her.
‘We’ve come to see Declan Summers. It’s not too early is it?’
The nurse looked at Dad with her head on one side.
‘Are you family?’
‘Ye … es.’
‘Oh, you were here last night, weren’t you. OK, that’s fine, then. He hasn’t been awake long, but I’ve just bathed his eyes and his mouth, he might even be able to talk to you.’
‘How is he?’
‘He was a bit disoriented, which is to be expected, and very battered and bruised, as I’m sure you know, but his CT scan showed nothing to worry about, and with a bit of luck he’ll be able to get back to normal.’
‘Oh James, that sounds great, doesn’t it. We’ve brought him his own pyjamas, I hope that’s OK.’
The nurse stepped towards the door she had just come out of, and opened it.
‘That’s great, he’s had a pair of hospital ones, but having his own will make him feel much better, more like himself. I think he was just asking about you actually. He’s in here.’
I ran in the room, wanting to see what Dec looked like this morning, and keen to show him the dinosaur magazine. Dec was sitting up in his bed, and although his eyes were swollen almost shut with bruises, they were open, and he was looking at me. His mouth moved, and I thought he might be trying to smile.
‘You’re in a different room please can I have some purple squash?’
‘Cal! Sorry Dec, he’s been saying he’s thirsty all the way here. We got you some blackcurrant squash, by the way, hope you don’t mind sharing. And some pyjamas. You don’t have to share those.’
Mum bent down and kissed Dec on the cheek while I stood at the side of the bed and looked at him. Then Mum made me a purple squash and I sat on the chair and drank it all in one go, waiting to see what would happen next.
Dec
Beth bent down and kissed me on the cheek. Bloody hell it hurt, but no way was I going to show it. Would have hugged her if either of my arms could have moved. She opened the bottle, poured some into a glass, filled it with water from a jug on the top of the cupboard, and handed it to Cal. He drank in big, noisy gulps, and started to wipe his mouth on the back of his hand when he’d finished, before he caught Beth’s eye and took the tissue she held out to him, as she looked at me and spoke.
_The nurse said you were talking.
‘Mm.’
_Although not long speeches yet I see.
She was being bright and breezy, but her eyes were wary. Jay was hanging back, looking tired, a guarded look in his eyes, tense and ill-at-ease. But it was so, so unbelievably good to see them. I felt like they could be dream people, about to disappear in insubstantial wisps. Still no idea what had happened to make them be here.
‘Gutuhsyu.’
A pause while Beth tried to translate.
_Sorry, Dec, you’re going to have to try again. Haven’t got my ‘I’ve been hit by a truck’ head on yet.
Had I been hit by a truck? The state of my body said yes. Memories from yesterday were vague and fragmented. No idea how I’d ended up here in this state, and as my brain started to wake up a bit, I was starting to worry.
Cal
I wasn’t sure why Mum thought Dec had been hit by a truck, when even I remembered he’d been hit by a bad man, but I was as good at understanding Dec as I was at understanding Uncle Matty, so I told her what he had said.
‘He said, ‘good to see you’. I heared him.’
Mum looked at Dec as if she didn’t think I could possibly have got it right, but Dec confirmed it.
‘Mm.’
Just to make it clear that I knew what I was talking about, I told them what that meant, as well.
‘That means yes.’
Dec
_It’s good to see you too, Dec. But not like this, so…
She waved her hand vaguely over the bed, and with horror I saw tears fill her eyes. Jay came over and put his arm round her protectively.
Cal, saviour of us all:
\do you like your dinosaur card?
‘Mm. Fm yu?’
\of course it’s from me. Stegosauruses are the best ones. I choosed it from the shop downstairs. It says ‘Dinomite’ but it’s spelled wrong on purpose so it looks like dinosaur. Mummy buyed it. And a Mars bar but I ate it. And some flowers, the nurse put them in a pot. We got you some squash today because I was thirsty. And a dinosaur magazine. Do you want to see it?
‘Mm. Luvtuh.’
\you can’t have the toy on the front, but you can see the picture of the triceratops in the middle, it’s awwwwesome.
Without warning, he launched himself onto the end of the bed, bouncing the mattress. There was such a protest of pain from every part of my body I couldn’t help myself shouting out:
‘Fuck!‘
Cal
I stopped dead, mid-crawl. Dec was not allowed to swear when I was nearby, and he had just shouted the baddest word I knew, very loud. He didn’t even look sorry, he just looked like he was breathing fast, and trying not to say it again. Mum didn’t even tell him off.
‘That was a very big swear.’
I wasn’t sure why no one had said anything; this should have earned Dec at least an ‘honestly Dec’, but Mum didn’t even look cross.
‘Yes, sweetheart, I understood that one. I think Dec means that he would like you to get off his bed and stop bouncing.
‘Mm.’
It seemed that Dec being hit by bad men changed quite a lot of things.
‘Let’s pull this chair next to the bed, you can sit here and show him your magazine. OK Dec?’
‘Grut.’
‘That means great.
‘Yes, Cal.’
I sat on the chair and held the magazine up so Dec could see. I couldn’t really tell if he was looking, because his eyes were nearly shut, but his head was pointed towards the pages and he did little nods every now and then as I turned over the pages. It wasn’t quite the same, because usually Dec would have been talking to me, and telling me stories about the pictures, making up names like ‘Terence the Pterodactyl’ and ‘Howard the Hadrosaur’ to make me laugh, but this time I did all the talking, because it hurt Dec to speak.
Dec
He flicked over a few pages, explaining what all the pictures were of, just like he would have done all those months ago when everything was normal and they still cared and I wasn’t in a hospital bed hardly able to move.
I was still trying to work it all out, looking from Cal to Beth to Jay, when I heard voices outside, one raised in protest, one stating intent.
¬You can’t go in, he’s already got three visitors, you’ll have to wait for someone to come out. There’s a chair here, look. I’m sure they won’t be long.
:Look, love, I’ve come all the way from across town, on my day off, on the bus, and you’re not stopping me. I’ll sort it out in there, you don’t have to worry.
‘Rz.’
Cal looked up at me, puzzled. The door opened.
¬You can’t just –
But she could, and she did. The nurse hovered at the door, looking at me. I tried to nod that it was OK, as Rose bustled forwards. She stopped in her tracks when she saw me, and for the second time that day I saw eyes fill with tears. No more crying over me, please. Couldn’t take it.
:Oh love, look at you.
She came over to hug me. Didn’t think I would survive one of Rose’s envelopings.
‘Nnuh.’
Cal
As Mum stepped forwards, hands out ready to stop her, I realised why Dec didn’t want the cuddle. He didn’t want to do a big swear to this lady.
‘That means no.’
The lady stepped back, and looked at me, Mum and Dad.
‘Rz. Hh.’
Rose looked at Dec again, her mouth open a little bit.
‘Sry. Hrts.’
I thought she might not know what Dec was saying, so I told her what he meant.
‘Dec can’t talk properly. He said he’s sorry it hurts. He means if you cuddle him he might cry, or say a big swear. I jumped on his bed and he said a very big swear.’
The lady looked at me and smiled.
‘Well thank you young man, I see you speak Declanese. He says a lot of big swears, he seems to quite enjoy it. It might not have been your fault, love.’
I grinned at the lady. I liked that she called Dec’s way of talking ‘Declanese’.
Dec
‘Rz. Shay. Vth.’
I tried to direct her gaze with my eyes, but she probably couldn’t see much of them underneath my swollen eyelids. She looked at Cal, already trusting him to know what I was saying.
\I don’t know what Rz means. Jay is my Daddy and Beth is my Mummy.
Light dawned in Rose’s eyes and she glanced quickly at both of them, then back at Cal.
:I can help you there. I think Rz must be me. I’m Rose.
She looked at me, eyes shining; she looked as happy as I felt.
:Oh Declan, they’re here, love.
She turned to face Jay and Beth.
:You’re Declan’s family, aren’t you. I didn’t know you’d … you must have … didn’t know you were here. Oh, there’s grand now. He’s told me lots about you all.
\what did he tell you about me?
Rose turned back to Cal.
:Well, let’s see now. You must be Calum. Declan says you really like dinosaurs. You’re very good at football and your team is … er … Arsenal?
\who’s my favourite player?
Cal was relishing his role as official examiner.
:Oh, er …
Seeing mild panic behind Rose’s eyes, I ventured
‘Thuh Wct.’
:No chance, love, but thanks for trying. Sorry, love, I expect he told me, but I’m not much good at footballers.
\what did he say about Mummy and Daddy?
łThat’s enough, Cal.
It was the first time Jay had spoken since he came into the room. Rose spoke to Cal, but directed her words at Jay.
:He’s alright, love. I’ll tell you, shall I? Declan told me your mam and dad were like the best family he could ever have wanted. He told me he did some wrong things, and wishes he hadn’t because losing his family has made him so sad and it’s made a lot of trouble for everyone, and meant he couldn’t see you and your mam and dad any more. He also told me that your mam makes really good roast potatoes, better than mine he says, although I find that hard to believe, and your dad drives too fast, which I think Declan quite likes.
Cal
Dec really had told Rose everything about us. Dad really did drive fast, and Mum really did cook roast potatoes. I didn’t even know who Rose was, I’d never seen her before, but I wondered if Rose was Dec’s mum, although I thought he didn’t have a mum. Before I could ask, Rose started talking again. She talked a lot. She wanted to know what had happened to Dec, but Mum wasn’t just going to tell her without permission from Dec.
‘If that’s OK with Dec.’
Mum looked at Dec, checking. I don’t think she knew who Rose was either.
‘Mm. Rzs gd frnd’
‘He said Rose is a good friend.’
‘Thank you sweetheart, I think Dec’s getting a bit easier to understand. OK, well, lovely to meet you Rose. Actually, Nico told us a lot about you, how you’ve looked after Dec. Thanks for what you said. It means a lot to James and me.’
So she did know who Rose was. I would have to ask later if she was Dec’s mum.
‘As for what’s happened, well, Cal, why don’t we go and get you a slushie, and Rose and Daddy and Dec can have a talk?’
I was torn between wanting a slushie, and maybe other things if I asked enough times, and wanting to stay and find out what Dad said to Rose.
‘But they won’t understand Dec if I’m not here.’
‘I think they’ll be OK. Green or blue slushie?’
Dec
He skipped out of the room with Beth.
\green. And can I have Monster Munch…
Cal’s list of requests faded into the distance. Jay and Rose talked while I lay back and let them. I didn’t know how I had ended up here, most of it was very hazy, a lot of it was missing. Now I’d had a chance to think, I could remember everything up to leaving the little office to go to the press conference, then there were fragments, shards I didn’t really want to explore as they mostly held pain.
A sudden recollection of lying helplessly on the ground watching a boot approach my face. Maybe not a truck then.
I tried to focus while Jay told Rose about finding me in the car park at Raiders Stadium, half underneath a car. He had only called at the club to drop off some paperwork on his way back up the motorway, and had nearly tripped over me. He hadn’t recognised me, so bloody and battered was my face. He had to talk to the police before they would let him drive back, and it wasn’t until they asked him if he knew me, that he realised. They had come to the hospital straight away, Jay had sat with me all night, Beth and Cal staying with Nico and Lisa.
łThey moved him to this room late last night, or more like early this morning – only a couple of hours ago, actually. Apparently the police thought it might be a good idea. Think it might be some kind of payback for the – I don’t know how much you know –
He looked over at me.
‘Rz kns vrythng.’
łOK then, payback for the points Raiders lost because of the passport thing. Lots of angry people, but nobody knows who did it.
:Well I’m glad you were here, love, I’d have hated to think of him being alone.
łI think Dec’s had quite a few visitors, not that he’d remember many of them, he’s been pretty much out of it since he came in. Massive dose of painkillers, as well as the bangs to the head. The doctor said he might not remember much about any of it. He woke up for a short time last night, but they whacked more meds in and he was out for the count again. Not surprised he’s been lazing around half the morning.
:He is a bit of a lazy sod.
‘Pss ff’
:Well that came out loud and clear, love. So, what’s the damage? I can obviously see his face, don’t know if you’ve seen yourself yet, love, you’re a bit of a sight. Plenty of time for that, now. And a broken arm. Anything more serious?
łI don’t know if I can remember the full list. He seems to have been hit over the head with a bottle, they had to pick glass out of his cuts before they stitched them. He was unconscious for a while, but they didn’t think any permanent damage, though how would they ever tell, eh Dec? Some of the cuts were fairly deep, looks like a glassing, but nothing major severed. And nothing internal that they could find. But they’re being careful. He’s been punched and kicked, probably while on the ground. Lots of bruises, lots of stitches, you can see all that. Broken collar bone – might need an operation on that. Thought he might have a broken jaw, but just badly bruised. Broken nose – that can only improve his looks. Can’t look at his eyes properly yet, but they think just bruising and swelling. Broken little finger, looks like someone stamped on his hand, you can see the footprint, look…
They both inspected the damage. I could only concentrate on two pieces of information. I had been beaten up, or kicked, or something. And Jay, Beth and Cal were here. They were all here, and talking to me and looking like they cared about me and might not want me to fuck off and die. It felt fragile, though, as if it might shatter any second and leave me back where I’d been.
ł… kind of tube in for his pee at the moment – he’s been pretty heavily medicated and they couldn’t get him to the loo. Bit undignified, eh, Dec?
So that was what that weird sensation had been. Hadn’t been able to explore due to two non-functioning hands.
łHe’s been pretty lucky. Could have been a lot worse.
Not sure my pains agreed with him.
:Especially if you hadn’t found him. Oh, love. Who did this to you?
She shuffled her chair closer to the bed and tried to find a part of me to touch that wouldn’t hurt. She failed, but it was OK. I had no answer to her question.
:I don’t know what to say, love. After everything that’s happened to you. It’s so unfair.
łBloody good job he plays rugby. He’s fit and strong. He’ll heal quickly. Seen worse than this after a collision with a loose-head, eh Dec? He’ll be back in training in a few weeks.
Rose laughed.
łI’m serious! He won’t be allowed to sit around feeling sorry for himself. He’ll be back in training soon as his breaks have healed. Maybe before.
Rose harrumphed a bit and the set of her jaw told me what she thought of that.
:Well we’ll see now, I s’pose, won’t we.
There was a brief pause. Rose looked determinedly at Jay, who looked back with an amused expression on his face. Rose changed tack.
:Now, look here. Declan knows I’m an interfering old busybody –
‘Struh.’
:No, don’t you try and deny it, love. Anyway, what I want to know is, you being here with your family, is everything put right now with the two of you?
There was a weighty silence. I hardly dared breathe, although I continued to do so noisily through my swollen nose. Jay looked down at his hands. Then at Rose. Then at me. I shut my eyes completely. Would have shut my ears if I could have. Really didn’t know if I could take his answer. He took a deep breath. Blew it out. I felt like everything was balancing on what Jay said now.
łAlright then. I don’t know if this is the right time or place, Dec, but I think I need to say this. You really messed up. You pissed all over me and Beth, you pissed all over Raiders. We couldn’t understand it. Still don’t think I really get it. I thought we were finished, you and me. Well, you know, I said it all before.
The searing pain of being dismissed by Jay in the car park cut through me again. I almost gasped at the memory.
łCouldn’t even say your name, didn’t talk about it, I was so angry about everything, what you’d done, what you’d lied about. When Cal rang you that time, I was so mad at him, he stopped asking me about you too. God knows what that did to the poor little sod. Jesus, what a mess. Anyway, then you found Cal when he ran away, and, I dunno, it changed something. Started talking to Beth, we started talking about you, still thoroughly pissed off, but wondering why you’d done it all … thinking up reasons, maybe it was this, maybe that, maybe if we’d said … whatever. Then Friday we came to stay with Nico and Lis, and Nico came back and told us what a state you were in; he thought you were close to doing something daft to yourself.
Had I been? Friday night was a bit of a blur. I’d been in a state, no doubt about that, but the details weren’t easy to grasp onto.
łHe rang some psychiatrist he knows to talk about you, I think he nearly got someone to come and have a look at you. I was worried about you, for the first time in a long time. It felt weird. Beth and I talked all night, trying to decide how we were feeling. Didn’t reach any conclusions. Then something like this happens, and, shit, I dunno … turns out, we still care after all. Can’t ignore that. You’ve been a prick. But there it is. I think family stays family, in the end. Or something like that.
Wait, was Jay saying, actually saying out loud, that I was part of his family? It had never been actually said before, hadn’t needed to be before everything went tits up.
łWhat Rose just said about you telling her we’re your family, and you thought you’d lost us, that’s helped. We felt like you’d thrown all that back in our faces, didn’t want us or need us any more, so knowing you think of us as family too is really important. Dec, I really don’t understand what’s been going on with you the last few months. But I think I want to, need to. Probably need some kind of bloody deep and meaningful as soon as I can understand what the fuck you’re saying, mate.
Couldn’t speak. Even if my mouth had been working, my throat had closed with emotion. Tears leaked excruciatingly out of my eyes and stung various parts of my face on their way down. Rose patted my arm gently. The balance had tipped; it felt like things with Jay might be starting to be OK.
:I’m very glad to hear it, love. Now, what I want to know-
Cal
Mum held her hand out, and the slushie won.
‘Green. And can I have Monster Munch and another Mars Bar? And can we see if they’ve got a Lego magazine?’
Mum laughed. ‘Slow down, Cal. We’ll get the slushie first, shall we, and see how it goes.’
All the way to the shop, I asked Mum questions about Dec. Now it was OK to talk about him, there was a lot I wanted to say.
‘Why can’t Dec talk properly?’
‘You saw his mouth, sweetheart, it’s very swollen and it must hurt a lot. Remember when you shut your finger in the door and it swelled up and wouldn’t bend?’
I nodded. My finger had gone purple and blue and doubled in size. And it had hurt. A lot.
‘That’s what’s happened with Dec’s mouth. It will get better, he’ll get more used to speaking with swollen lips, and the swelling will go down.’
‘Is the bag with water in it for Dec to drink through his arm?’
‘That’s right, clever boy, do you remember from the one Uncle Matty had? Dec hasn’t been able to drink for himself, or have anything to eat, so they put special water in the bag so he doesn’t get hungry or thirsty. There’s a bag under the covers to take Dec’s wee away too, so he doesn’t have to get up to go to the loo.’
I remembered Uncle Matty’s wee bag; I had been very interested in that as well. Why didn’t everyone have one? It would save all sorts of complications. I was so interested that I asked more questions, even though I knew the answers.
‘Does his wee bag come out of his arm?’
‘No, there’s a tube coming out of his willy.’
Oh. Suddenly I remembered why everyone didn’t have one. Time for another question.
‘Mummy are we cross with Dec?’
‘Oh Cal. I know this is confusing for you. Alright, let’s see if I can explain. Dec did some things that made me and Daddy cross and disappointed. We’re still trying to understand why he did them, but I think Daddy and me feel more like helping Dec than being cross with him at the moment. He looks like he could do with some help, doesn’t he?’
‘Will he have to share my room?’
‘What?’
‘When he lives in our house.’
Mum walked on for a bit, not saying anything.
‘Let’s just wait for him to get better first, Cal. Look, there’s the shop. Go and ask for your slushie.’
I ran over to the counter and asked. Mum paid, and then thought it might be good to get some snacks for the journey home. I, of course, had lots of helpful suggestions, and Mum soon had a full basket.
I had been sipping my slushie through the straw while I waited for Mum to pay, and the ice had numbed my lips. I thought about when my finger hurt, and then about Dec’s mouth, and it made me wonder …
‘Mummy, does Dec’s mouth hurt?’
‘I expect so, sweetheart.’
‘If he had some slushie, would it make it stop hurting?’
Mum stopped and looked at me.
‘What a brilliant idea! Would you like to share your slushie with him?’
I’d been thinking more along the lines of getting him his own, but Mum was big on sharing, and I nodded my reluctant agreement.
‘Can we go and give it to him?’
‘Just let me finish paying, sweetheart, then we’ll hurry back.’
I had a few slurps of slushie before leaving the shop, just in case Dec drank the lot, and then we started back to Dec’s room, me holding the cardboard cup with one hand and Mum’s hand with the other.
Dec
What Rose wanted to know was interrupted by the door opening and Nico striding in, closely followed by Nurse Michelle and Lisa.
>Ha, you see, you say four people, but only there is two. And one of them is Rose, she is very small and quiet, she is no trouble. I am trouble if I don’t get in this room – but, ha, I am in. Thank you Michelle, you are very helping.
Lisa was watching from the rear, with a half resigned, half amused look on her face.
~I’m so sorry, he’s always like this. We’ll be quick, and quiet, promise.
Michelle gave Nico a look that was a mixture of scowl and flirty smile.
¬Well alright then, but really quick, the police want to see him, and then I think he needs some peace and quiet.
>Thank you. You are beautiful.
He blew her a kiss. The force of nature that was Nico Tiago. Michelle raised her eyebrows at Lisa and shut the door on her way out. Nico turned to his audience and bowed. Jay gave him a slow handclap, Rose sat and looked at him, mouth slightly agape, until he gave her a huge hug.
>Ah Rose, I am so happy you are here, you get my message. I worry you not know about Declan. This is Lis, my beautiful wife, I tell her all about you. I think you like her.
Lisa and Rose smiled at each other. I was keeping a low profile, trying to get my emotions under control, not succeeding. Nico turned to me, and the fun went out of his face. Lisa was looking at me with horror, a hand over her mouth. I looked away to avoid the inevitable eyes filling with tears. Nico put an arm round her.
>OK baby? I tell you he look bad. Declan, how are you? You look not so horrible as last night, but horrible still. Who did this?
‘Ownno.’
łDec’s needing translations from Cal at the moment, Nico. But I don’t think he knows who did it.
Jay raised his eyebrows at me.
‘Mm.’
łWe can work out the yeses. So I guess we can talk by process of elimination. Oh, and he can say ‘fuck’ and ‘piss off’ pretty clearly. Funny that. And other things are getting clearer slowly, but it’s still a fairly limited vocabulary.
On cue, my mini-interpreter burst into the room, carrying a large cardboard cup with a straw.
Cal
As we got close to Dec’s room, I started to run, eager to see Dec again and make him talk better. I ignored Mum telling me to walk, or failing that to hold on tight to the cup, and pushed the door to the room open.
‘Dec, drink some slushie. It’s icy. Your voice will come back. Will it go green in your wee? Can I see your wee bag?’
‘Cal! Dec’s wee is private. Sorry, Dec, he’s just so curious about everything.’
Disappointingly, this meant I wouldn’t get to see Dec’s wee bag, or any green slushie wee, so I took the cup to him and put the straw in his mouth. Mum fussed about a bit, and then everyone decided that Dec needed a spoon instead of a straw, but in the end Dec got mouthfuls of slushie, and managed to talk better, although I was right and he had the whole cup to himself.
Dec
Cal shoved the drink under my nose, the straw sticking painfully into a sore area above my lip.
_Careful Cal, look, hold the straw like this so Dec can sip. Sorry, Dec, we had this idea that the ice would soothe your throat and might make it easier for you to talk. You don’t have to.
‘Sskay.’
>I think it work already, Declan talk!
Cal noticed Nico for the first time.
\nico, Dec can talk but only I can understand him.
>I know this, Cal. But I like your way to help Declan to talk.
\i already helped him once. I jumped on the bed and made him say a really bad swear.
>Ha! I would like to try this. You show me how, maybe later. I am bigger than you, maybe he say even badder swears.
While Cal’s eyes grew round at the thought of badder swears than ‘fuck’, Beth had positioned the straw so I could sip the slushie. Although sucking hurt the muscles in my face and pulled painfully on my lips, it was worth it for the combined pleasure and relief of fluorescent green ice slipping over my tongue and down my throat. I could feel it taming the fire in my throat, most of which was thirst. I closed my eyes and moaned with relief.
~Dec, would a spoon be easier? You’ll get more in that way, yeah?
Brilliant idea. I looked gratefully at Lisa.
‘Mmmm.’
:I’ll go and sort it out.
Rose hurried off to commandeer a spoon. I could already feel the small amount of ice I had swallowed trickling soothingly down my throat.
‘Thks Chll.’
\dec said thanks Cal.
He informed his watching public.
>Cal you are small genius. You do very well for Declan.
Rose soon returned with a spoon to try.
:I thought a metal one might hurt your mouth love, so they found this plastic one, it’s not that big though. You don’t look like you can feed yourself with that arm and that hand. Can you put up with me feeding you?
Of all the recent indignities, this one was pretty easy to bear.
‘Mm.’
Rose sat by the bed and spooned the ice into me. I was very conscious of everyone watching, but the eyes on me were the ones I loved best in the world, so it was OK. The slushie was like magic. The pain and swelling in my throat reduced considerably. There was a similar effect on my lips too.
:How’s that now, love?
‘Mm … muhch bhetter’
Not bad for a first post-ice attempt. It still hurt to talk, and I wasn’t going to be making any speeches anytime soon, but it was a great start.
‘Thuhnks. Luv yuh uhll.’
A bit briefer and more sentimental than it would have been had I had my voice back properly, but the message was there. Rose, Beth and Lisa all teared up again, I really was going to have to have words about that, when I had access to more of them.
łI think it’s fair to say we all feel the same way, Dec. Fuck knows what you’ve done to deserve it. Sorry Cal. Dec’s a bad influence on me.
Jay ruffled Cal’s hair, pulled him in closer and kissed him on the top of his head.
łDec, I’m really sorry, we’re going to have to go. I … don’t know if you know … Matty’s really poorly. He’s got multiple sclerosis and pneumonia, and he’s … he nearly … he’s had a really bad time over the last couple of months.
Matt was Jay’s brother. He lived in the Midlands, near Jay’s mum.
‘Nah way. Suhry.’
łHe’s one of the main reasons I left Raiders. I need to look after him. I … I was …
Jay started to choke up. Beth held his hand.
_Dec, we’ve both said some things to you we regret. We were very angry and upset, and it was a bad time for us. I think that’s behind us now. James has been struggling with what to do for a while, since before things … well … changed between us. We felt it would be difficult to be with Matty while we still felt responsible for you. When everything happened with you, it seemed to make the decision easier. We didn’t realise how much you’d been struggling too, until Nico and Lis told us, and I’m so sorry if some of that was down to us, sweetheart.
Beth came over and kissed me on the forehead. I was almost speechless but just managed a lame
‘S’okay.’
_But we’ve got to get back home. James’s mum’s been with Matty since Friday afternoon, and we should’ve been back last night, so we’ve got to get going. So sorry, Dec, we’ll be back to see you soon. Take care, sweetheart.
Jay gave me a very gentle punch on the shoulder.
łI’ll be in touch for that deep and meaningful. We’ll sort things out properly, yeah? Be strong, stay positive. Cal, say goodbye to Dec.
Cal came to the side of the bed. He looked at me for a while, considering.
\you can have my dinosaur magazine, and you can have the toy on the front.
‘Thnks uh lo. Read ih layher.’
And then, having hugged Nico, Lisa and Rose, they were gone.
Cal
It was so fast, I’d only just got used to being there, and I hadn’t even told him about my fire engine or asked when we could go to Dinosaurland. But now we were allowed to talk about Dec, I hoped I would be able to do both of those soon.
In the car on the way home, Mum and Dad were quiet, to start with. Dad started to say something a few times, and then Mum would shake her head, Dad would look in the mirror and see me, and stop talking. So I thought if I closed my eyes they would think I was asleep, and say interesting things, probably about Dec. And it worked.
‘What did you say while we were in the shop?’
‘How do you know I said anything?’
‘Everything was different when we got back. It felt like you’d cleared the air.’
‘Yeah, well, I’m not sure the air’s completely clear, just yet. I told him we need a bloody good talk, soon as. But I said how it had been, and how it changed after yesterday, or after Friday, actually. You know what, I think we might get there. Jesus, Beth, how did that happen?’
‘I’m not sure. I’m glad, though. After everything Nico said, and all the talking we did on Friday night, I still wasn’t sure how we were going to get past everything else, but this has just … oh …’
There were a few sniffles, and it sounded like Mum was crying.
‘Oh James, I was so scared last night. I’ve been so angry with him, but I never wanted anything to happen to him.’
‘I know. That’s kind of what I told him, that it doesn’t matter any more what he did, because we’re family.’
‘Oh James, really?’
‘It’s true, isn’t it? I didn’t realise until yesterday, when I thought he might … When you think you might lose someone, you find out what’s important. How did the little bastard get himself in here?’
I opened one eye a crack, wondering where Dad meant, and if Dec had got in the car somehow, but I saw Dad put his hand on his chest, so he meant in his heart.
‘I don’t know, but I feel the same. We’re going to have to keep in touch with him. Oh! I didn’t get Rose’s number. I was going to call her later.’
‘Nico’ll have it. She’s something else, isn’t she?’
‘She seems to care a lot about him. I’m glad he’s had someone to look out for him. God, when I think about how lonely he must have been …’
‘Yeah, well, he brought a lot of it on himself.’
‘How can you say that?’
‘I’m just being honest. He fucked up, Beth. We’ve got a way to go yet before I’m Mr Forgiveness.’
‘But you just said –’
‘I said he was family and what he did doesn’t matter. I know. But before I can just forget it, I need to understand it. That’s all I’m saying. We’ll call him tomorrow, or as soon as we can, start talking to him.’
‘Cal was happy to see him.’
‘Yeah, they’ve always been great mates.’
‘He asked when Dec was going to live with us.’
‘Shit.’
One of the good things about pretending to be asleep was that Dad was allowed to do swears and I could hear him.
‘We should make sure they talk too. Cal’s really missed him.’
‘Yeah. Oh it’s all such a bloody mess, isn’t it.’
‘Maybe, maybe not any more – James could you slow down a bit? I’m feeling a bit icky.’
‘Still? That’s all weekend, Beth. Are you sure you’re not coming down with something?’
‘No.’
‘No what?’
‘No, I’m not sure I’m not coming down with something.’
‘Huh?’
‘It’s not just this weekend. I’ve been feeling sick all week, especially around coffee.’
‘Really? Coffee used to make you sick when … oh holy shit.’
‘I know. I’m going to get a test tomorrow.’
‘Holy shit, Beth. That would be fantastic.’
‘Well, let’s not count our chickens, or any other baby animals, it could still be a bug or something.’
‘Yeah, yeah, course. Holy shit.‘
I hadn’t understood much of what Mum and Dad had been talking about, although I wondered if we might be getting a chicken to lay eggs and keep Percy company, but the amount of bad swears that Dad didn’t get told off about forced my eyes open in surprise, and Dad saw me in the mirror. This stopped the conversation, and Mum turned music on for the rest of the way home.
Shouldn't Be Alone 